5 Things Not to Tell Someone With Insomnia
Insomnia is an emotional rollercoaster that can often feel isolating and confusing. In my several-year long bout with it, I found that many folks had advice for me. While it was usually well–intentioned, it was often not helpful. Sometimes it even added insult to injury. Drawing on my past personal experience and work with clients inspired me to compile a list of what NOT to tell someone with insomnia.
Part of why people often have unhelpful advice for insomniacs, is because conventional wisdom is based on a false belief that sleep issues need to be ‘fixed’ in the same way you might fix a car. But alas, the human psyche is more complex than this, and insomnia itself is a paradox - the more you try and ‘fix’ it, the worse it often gets. This knowledge is not yet in the mainstream though, so many people are understandably acting based on this outdated ‘fix it’ model.
Don’t tell them to try the latest sleep remedy you’ve heard of.
The most common response I got when I struggled with insomnia was, ‘Have you tried X?’ X being melatonin, yoga, meditation, a supplement, or the latest remedy. I had spent countless hours researching insomnia, and there was usually a 95% chance I had tried what was being suggested. It was frustrating and exhausting to feign a smile and politely respond with, ‘Yes, I have tried that. Thanks for the suggestion.’ While it can be tempting to suggest quick solutions to an insomniac, it’s not helpful.
It can even worsen symptoms by placing the focus on “fixing” the problem.
If the person with insomnia is caught up in the efforts to ‘fix’ their problem, they may get stuck in a cycle of trying ‘the next thing.’ This puts all the power of insomnia recovery on the quick solution when ultimately an internal process is required for longterm healing. Part of that internal process is understanding that the root of the issue is the fear, and once you work through it then you recover.
What to do instead:
There is nothing inherently wrong with taking supplements, getting a weighted blanket, listening to sleep podcasts or taking bedtime tea as part of relaxation support, but don’t frame these as ‘solutions’ to the insomniac in your life. For instance, I know my weighted blanket does not make me sleep, but I love it and use it every night because I find the sensation of the weight comforting. This mindset is very different compared to my insomnia days, when I had purchased an entire store of supplements in a desperate attempt to find a sleep remedy in a bottle.
2. Don’t tell them they need to exercise more.
The belief that tiring out the body with exercise will lead to better sleep is false. While exercise has many health benefits, it’s not a cure for insomnia. If you have insomnia, your nervous system is often in a state of hyperarousal—your body’s fight or flight response.. This can override the exhaustion that comes from lack of sleep.
When my insomnia was at its worst, I would go on a 3-hour hike after sleeping for 2 hours only to find myself unable to sleep that night. Over the years I realized that there was no exercise I could do that would make me sleep. Like suggesting melatonin or meditation, telling someone to exercise more puts the onus of control on an external ‘solution.’ Healing insomnia is an inside job, so we know this suggestions does not work. Besides the fact that exercise does not cure insomnia, telling an insomniac to exercise more can also create more pressure and even guilt if they don’t have the energy to do it, further complicating matters.
What to do instead:
If the insomniac in your life has become more sedentary, it might be helpful to offer to go on walk or suggest a low pressure activity that gets them moving. If they feel guilty for not exercising as much, remind them to be gentle with themselves. Insomnia often creates black-and-white thinking. A flexible perspective is often more helpful - encourage theme to continue physical activity in a way that honors where their body is at while also treating themselves with self-kindness.
3. Don’t tell them they’ll sleep really well tonight (because they didn’t sleep last night).
I heard this a lot during my insomnia days. If I mentioned I hadn’t slept for the past couple nights, I was often told “You’ll sleep so well tonight since you didn’t sleep last night.” If you don’t have insomnia and it’s a few days of sleep deprivation this makes sense. If you have insomnia though, hearing this often adds to the pressure. Often, after 1-2 sleepless nights, we expect our bodies to crash, but that’s not always what happens. This is because chronic insomnia puts the brain and nervous system in a state of hyperarousal. So, we may feel like we’re in fight or flight mode even when extremely sleep deprived. This is often referred to as feeling ‘tired but wired.’ You can think of hyperarousal as what puts the brakes on sleep. This can happen even if you have not slept well in a long time.
What to do instead:
Offer compassion and actively listen (depending on your own capacity of course). Saying something as simple as, “That sounds so tough, let me know if you need anything” can be comforting. There were days I couldn’t leave the house because I could barely see straight and knowing someone was there for me if I needed help felt reassuring.
4. Don’t tell them not to worry about it.
It’s tempting to tell an insomniac not to worry, especially if you see them spiraling into sleep-obsession vortex. Most know that worrying is making things worse though - they can’t simply stop by being told to. If it was that easy, they would have stopped worrying by now. It can also feel invalidating. Insomnia is an isolating experience, and those who haven’t lived it won’t fully understand the havoc it can wreak on the psyche.
What to do instead:
Similar to the previous point, do less and be there for them more (if your capacity allows). Actively listening and offering compassion can go a long way. You can’t fix their sleep for them, but you can be a source of comfort for them. At the same time, if the insomniac in your life is venting or reaching out more than you can handle, consider setting boundaries. When my insomnia was active, I was a vent texter. I cringe in hindsight, but when your brain is in crisis mode and you’re emotionally dysregulated it can be hard not to compulsively reach out. If your loved one is struggling with insomnia they need support and at the same time you can’t be responsible for regulating their emotions.
5. Don’t tell them they need better sleep hygiene.
The first piece of information nearly anyone with insomnia comes across when googling for advice is sleep hygiene. Sleep hygiene is rarely, if ever, the answer to insomnia though. Unless someone is drinking coffee at 11 pm while scrolling on their phone every night and taking three hour afternoon naps, sleep hygiene alone won’t fix their insomnia.
That aside, Some sleep hygiene rules can even backfire. When I had insomnia, I was advised to only use my bed for sleep or sex. This means that if I was in bed but didn’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, I was supposed to get out of bed. This further fueled my anxiety as I played a game of musical chairs with myself between my bed and my couch. Not only was having to get out of bed if I couldn’t fall asleep frustrating, but I also internalized a new fear that spending too much time in bed would sabotage my sleep potential. Of course, the fear itself is what was driving the issue, all because I had tried to follow what seemed like reasonable sleep hygiene advice.
What to do instead:
There is nothing inherently wrong with putting away your screens an hour before bed or making sure your room is a comfortable. Telling someone they need better sleep hygiene though is just another attempt to ‘fix’ the problem. Sleep is a passive process, and insomnia is a paradox—the more you try to fix it, the worse it can get.
Supporting Vs. Fixing
If someone in your life deals with insomnia, it’s such a natural and human response to want to help them fix the issue or take away their pain. If you did not know already, you now know insomnia isn’t something that resolves with a ‘quick fix.’ Offering compassion, listening when they need it, respecting your own limits, and providing practical support like offering to go to the gym with them can go a long way.
If you have insomnia, you may find most of these responses from others familiar. Most of it is based on conventional wisdom that insomnia is something that needs to be ‘fixed’ by throwing solutions at it. This is not helpful though, and it can even add insult to injury. If this post resonates for you, feel free to share with someone in your life who needs to read it.
By focusing on offering understanding rather than answers, those around you can become a source of comfort rather than inadvertently adding to the struggle. And if you’re the one dealing with insomnia, know that sharing this insight with others can help them better understand what you’re going through better.