Why We Get In Our Own Way : The Psychology of Self-Sabotage

What is Self-Sabotage? 

I love exploring origin of word stories. The term "sabotage" comes from the french word, sabot, which means wooden shoe. In 19th century France, workers allegedly threw their sabots at the machinery as a form of protest with the intent of disrupting  production. 

While this story is more of a parable than fact, self-sabotage often disrupts our own progress, except instead of revolting against the system, it’s like we are revolting against ourselves. Self-sabotage can be sneaky and insidious until it is brought to conscious awareness. It can  show up as avoidant behaviors like canceling a date you were excited about or procrastinating on a job application. It can also appear as impulsive actions, such as moving without considering the consequences, going on a spending spree, or frequently switching project ideas, so that you never make progress on any of your projects. 

It can be a mystifying and maddening experience without understanding what is going on. Here are ways I often see self-sabotage show up in the therapy room and also how I have come to understand my own patterns.

The Fear of Failure & Success

Self-sabotage and fear often go hand in hand. Imagine them as entities that work together. Once I understand how self-sabotage is showing up for someone, I get very curious about their fears. What are they about? Often, it involves a deep-seated fear of failure, success, or both. A fear of failure might seem obvious. Who wants to marinate in the embarrassment of finally getting the courage to pursue a dream, only to fail? It’s uncomfortable at best, and intolerable at worst. 

The fear of success though, is a little more nebulous. Success is not just a static experience of joy and accomplishment you can freeze and hold onto. It can come with complications, such as the pressure to maintain that success, potential strains on relationships, or imposter syndrome - the belief that despite your success, you’re a fraud who has deceived others about your competence. For those who have experienced trauma or adversity, stepping into your power can feel terrifying - it can often feel safer to stay small.

As a therapist practicing parts work therapy, I like to help clients identify and understand different parts of themselves. So, if we break down self-sabotage, there is the part that engages in the sabotage, and the fears driving it. While fear of failure and success are common, there are often other fears involved as well, but listing them all is beyond the scope of this blog. Sometimes these fears have deeper roots, intertwining with feelings of inadequacy that go beyond the fear itself.

Feeling Not Good Enough 

Often, when I dive deeper with folks into their self-sabotaging tendencies, there is also a part of them that feels ‘not good enough.’ This feeling transforms fear from uncomfortable to intolerable, making you worry that failure reflects your worth as a person, not just the situation.  Similarly if there is a fear of success, this could trigger the part that does not feel good enough to spiral into imposter syndrome, and feel undeserving of your accomplishments. 

The emotion attached to feeling ‘not good enough’ is shame. Shame is a really tough emotion to sit with, because it’s the feeling of ‘I’m bad or defective’. When someone really feels taken over by shame, then it can be so hard to find relief if the problem feels deeply lodged within. It can feel as if it is woven into the fabric of your DNA. 

We can feel shame as early as age 3, so sometimes the part of us that feels ‘bad’ has been around since early childhood. It can be helpful to explore its origins, because when looked at from the perspective of self-sabotage rooted in fear & shame, we can view the whole self-sabotage system as protective. In other words, the fear part rings the alarm, which triggers the sabotage part to do its protective dance so we don’t feel the intensity of the shame. Of course, this is one common pattern I see, and it may not capture everything. Everyone’s experience is unique, and there could be other layers at play.

The Self-Sabotage Cycle

The paradox of the self-sabotage cycle, is that when it takes over, we often feel shame afterwards. This part of us that is working so hard to protect us from shame and fear leads us to feeling more shame. For instance, if someone knew deep down they wanted to go on a date, but canceled last minute, they might feel relief in the short-term, but it is likely that it would lead to a longer-term feeling of stuckness or shame.

Similarly, if someone was trying to follow a budget plan but went on an impulse shopping spree, they might have an instant moment of elation followed by a drop in mood and shame for the consequences of their actions. This is what can make it feel so vicious and pernicious. While the cycle of self-sabotage can feel relentless, it may also carry an unexpected message beneath the surface.

The Wisdom of Self-Sabotage

It’s natural to want to eliminate self-sabotage because it hinders progress. By developing curiosity towards it though, there is often at least a kernel of wisdom to be found. In a podcast I admire, This Jungian Life, the hosts discuss the wisdom embedded in self-sabotage.  

Sometimes it is coming from an intuitive place, sending us a message that we are out of alignment, and it’s our job to listen to that. Imagine you get into your first choice for law school, but you just can’t bring yourself to sign the acceptance letter. Upon further exploration, it becomes clear that deep down, you don’t really want to become a lawyer - it was what your parents expected of you, but not something you ever wanted to pursue. 

This is part of the reason it is so important to hear this part of us out, rather than dismiss it or try to fight with it. Even when it is not purely coming from a place of wisdom, it is still worth hearing out because it allows us to befriend our shadow and it helps illuminate what may have previously been more subconscious. So, even if this part of us is misguided, it often has good intentions.

My self-sabotage part  looks exactly like a devil. This one time when I was avoiding something I knew I wanted to do deep down but was scared to, its image appeared in my mind. A black cartoon devil, with maleficent horns and red eyes. Spoiler alert - I was able to do the thing, and getting some separation from this part of me helped.  I now have a working relationship with self-sabotage and often feel compassion and curiosity towards it (but not always). It’s more of a friendly demon now who I know is trying to look out for me. It helps gets me more acquainted with the emotions that may be lurking underneath the surface. We all have our shadowy parts, and  bringing them into the light is what helps us become more integrated, and feel more whole.

Taking Action at the Pace of Your Nervous System

While it is crucial to develop awareness around your own patterns of self-sabotage, and have a more curious relationship with it, often some kind of action is required. You stay stuck repeating the same behaviours otherwise. At the same time, the idea of making a big change can feel terrifying. This is where I think it’s important to break it down.

In addition to parts work therapy which I am in training for, I am also trained as a somatic attachment therapist, which is a body-based approach for working through trauma, but also accessing the wisdom of the body. When I’m supporting clients at the taking action stage, I often invite them to check in with how their body feels about taking a step towards their goals. If their nervous system goes far into fight or flight, or they shut down, that is often a sign that the step is a bit too big, and we need to start smaller. There is no shame in taking small steps - cumulatively over time they will still get you where you want to go. Conversely, if the step feels a bit scary but tolerable, there is a good chance that it is the right size. In this way you work with your own nervous system to move beyond self-sabotage, rather than against it. 

In the end, self-sabotage isn’t an enemy we need to defeat, but a part of us that’s asking for our attention. By getting curious, hearing it out, and taking small, manageable steps at the pace of our nervous system, we can move beyond old patterns and create lasting change. Self-sabotage may try to disrupt our progress initially, but when we understand its message, we reclaim our power.

References:

Joseph, L., Lee, D., & Lee, L. (Hosts). (2024, June 27). Self-sabotage: Why we do it and how to stop it [Audio podcast episode]. In This Jungian Life. https://thisjungianlife.libsyn.com/self-sabotage-why-we-do-it-and-how-to-stop-it