There Is Nothing Wrong With Being Highly Sensitive
This is for anyone who has ever been told they are too sensitive.
The term highly sensitive person (HSP) was coined by clinical psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron, who began researching high sensitivity back in 1991. It’s an innate trait said to occur in 15-20% of the population. HSPs tend to feel things deeply, are empathetic, notice subtleties, and have what Dr. Aron calls a ‘rich, complex inner life.’ They are not disordered - they are simply higher on the sensitivity spectrum. As such, they may have different needs than those who are less sensitive.
Many HSPs grew up hearing they were “too sensitive,” often from parents or other adults in their lives. This can lead to internalized shame—a belief that something is inherently wrong with you.
Unlearning Internalized Shame For Being Highly Sensitive
Since I and many of my clients are highly sensitive, I’m familiar with this internalized monologue - I can’t count the times clients have shared that they feel weak or defective for being so sensitive. Sometimes I wish I could get everyone who has shared this with me in a room together so they could all witness how there is a community of folks who share this same painful experience with them.
One of the first steps I work on with HSPs is addressing this belief. For some, there’s significant trauma attached to it. Imagine being repeatedly told by a parent or authority figure as a child that your sensitivity is bad. It can cut deep, so it’s vital for a HSP to learn how to create mindful separation from the part of them that has internalized this shame. With practice, they can notice when this belief pops up without letting it take over.
Sensitivity Is Not a Trauma Response
While being told you are bad for being sensitive can be traumatic, it does not mean that your sensitivity is a result of trauma. There’s a misconception I often see on social media from influencers in the healing profession that being sensitive is “just a trauma response.” While a heightened reactivity due to trauma can resemble sensitivity, being highly sensitive is an innate trait, not a trauma response.
Through my own healing journey, I have not become less sensitive. What has changed is my relationship with my triggers. Of course, I still have my share of inner work to do. Overall though, I’m less reactive, more grounded, and better at holding space for both my emotional landscape and that of others. While working through trauma has brought greater ease into my life, it has also deepened my sensitivity.
In my work with clients, I generally don’t witness any lessening of sensitivity through the process of therapy either. I view the transformation of HSPs with trauma as an alchemical process. They learn to hone their sensitivity as a strength by nurturing it as an integral essence of who they are rather than banishing it into a locked cellar.
So, with HSPs who have a trauma history, it is about holding the truth that they can heal but that is not going to eradicate their sensitivity, because their sensitivity is not the problem.
Distinguishing Trauma from Sensitivity
While sensitivity and trauma responses are distinct, their overlap can sometimes make it challenging to untangle the two, especially for those who are both highly sensitive and trauma survivors.
I often ask: How familiar did the reaction feel to them? If it feels very familiar, then an implicit memory may have been triggered, in which case it is not just a matter of being highly sensitive.
Implicit memories are different from what we conventionally think of as memories with a cohesive story. Instead, they are intense and automatic reactions—emotional flashbacks—that can show up as strong emotions, behavioral impulses, thought loops, physical sensations, or a combination of these. Because implicit memories can come on so suddenly and strongly, they can often feel confusing both to the person experiencing them and those who witness them.
By developing awareness of these reactions though, it becomes easier to discern what is trauma-related and what is simply part of being highly sensitive.
Imagine someone had a very critical mother growing up - nothing was ever good enough, and they were always striving to please their mom yet never measuring up. This led to feelings of inadequacy. Now in adulthood, they have a critical boss who reminds them of their mom. As you might imagine, having a boss like that would be particularly triggering for a person with that history, because it echoes their childhood experiences. They might feel an immense, sudden onset of shame after being criticized by their boss. Now if this person had a healthy upbringing, it’s unlikely that they would be as triggered by the same boss, because it would not be eliciting an implicit memory.
If they have developed awareness of these implicit memory reactions though, it is much easier to discern what is trauma-related, and what is simply a part of being highly sensitive that doesn’t need any healing at all. After all, if high sensitivity is a trait that can’t be eradicated, it may as well be honoured.
Honouring Your Highly Sensitive Ways
My favorite way to illustrate the beauty of sensitivity is through a Russian folk tale, the King & the Nightingale. In the story, a king has a singing nightingale in a golden cage that brings him joy, but over time the nightingale stops singing. The king’s servant notices the nightingale’s sorrow, and suggests to the king it be released from its cage. Once released, the bird starts to sing again, even more majestically than before, with its songs filling the entire kingdom.
It’s a simple fable with a potent message. The nightingale could represent that innate sensitivity, and what happens when it is repressed versus set free. If you treat your inner nightingale as something that should be locked up, you won’t be living in alignment with yourself because your highly sensitive ways will get repressed. This is easy to do, because societally, we are not conditioned to value our sensitivity. If you honour it though, like the servant of the king advises, you may find that your sensitivity wields a power beyond what you imagined. More importantly, you will no longer be repressing this innate facet of who you are anymore, and it is always liberating to live in your truth.
It may not seem as simple as unlocking a cage, but accepting sensitivity as a quality you cannot change can go a long way. Once your highly sensitive ways are allowed to be, it becomes much easier to embrace who you are. Then, rather than try to fit yourself into a life that does not cater to your sensitive ways, you start to build a life that honours them.
References
Aron, E. N. (n.d.). The Highly Sensitive Person. Retrieved December 10, 2024, from https://hsperson.com/