If sleep hygiene hasn’t worked for you, you’re not doing it wrong. For many chronic insomniacs, rules around bedtime and screen time make things worse, not better. Here’s why letting go of control and rebelling against rigidity might be the key to finally sleeping better.

If you’ve ever struggled with sleep, chances are you’ve tried a ton of remedies. It’s natural to search for quick fixes, like supplements, routines, and tips. But, there’s a downside: all these so-called solutions can fall into a category called "sleep efforts," a term I picked up from physician-turned-insomnia-specialist Daniel Erichsen. Sleep efforts are simply anything we do to force sleep to happen.

They might seem harmless and the zeitgeist of our times is partly to blame. Arguably, we live in a world that pushes a ‘fix it’ mentality. Mainstream insomnia advice tells us to try melatonin, stick to strict routines, and avoid screens before bed. On the surface, it sounds logical, doesn’t it?

Sleep efforts can be tricky though, because they shift the power to external things—like supplements or routines. This subtly send the message that your ability to sleep depends on them.

Insomnia can feel like its own breed of suffering, leaving you feeling trapped and restless. It can send your mind whirling, searching for answers: Did I drink too much coffee? Was that too much screen time before bed? Did I mess up my sleep hygiene routine?

The truth is, none of these are why you have insomnia. For years, I obsessively tried to identify every variable impacting sleep, unaware that fuelling my need to fix it all along. (I seem to be a slow learner when it comes to insomnia).

Ever find yourself lying awake, heart racing, mind spinning, feeling wired but desperate for sleep? If so then you have experienced a powerful force known as hyperarousal. Hyperarousal, a heightened state of alertness that sends the body into fight or flight, goes hand in hand with insomnia. It can show up as:

• Anxiety and Racing Thoughts: my clients often share how their thoughts and emotions spiral when they’re in fight or flight mode. 

• Difficulty Concentrating: Trouble focusing or thinking clearly - this can make it a lot harder to have a more grounded perspective.

• Physiological Symptoms: Body twitching or spasms, tightness in muscles, jaw clenching, rapid heart rate, and even needing to urinate more frequently can be signs of hyperarousal.

Without a thorough understanding of insomnia, it is natural to focus all your attention on how to get more sleep. Focusing on sleep is often actually part of the problem though, since it itends to be driven by fear. Had I realized this earlier on in my struggles, I may have not spent years spinning my wheels. Although better sleep is what everyone with insomnia wants, getting that does not necessarily mean that your insomnia will be healed. If the fear still remains, any disruption to sleep again could trigger the insomnia to come back. This is why it can continue for so long.

As an insomnia coach, therapist and recovered insomniac, below I explore why focusing primarily on sleep is not the most effective approach to recovery and where to shift your focus instead.

It’s so normal for the brain to go berserk when you can’t sleep. It is, after all, a survival machine, and it likes to send out alerts that insomnia is a threat. This often shows up in all kinds of stories the mind creates about the experience of insomnia. Some common ones I experienced include: ‘This is never going to end, ‘Am I going crazy? ‘, ‘Am I going to die?’ or ‘Will I be stuck in this misery forever? You get the idea. While these stories may seem dramatic, they feel very real in the moment. 

When you're struggling with insomnia, your nervous system is often in a state of hyperarousal, affecting the functioning of your prefrontal cortex. We need the prefrontal cortex to think more clearly, exercise good judgment and learn from experience. So, it’s very understandable and common to get caught up in the fears, and believe that they are true.

Insomnia is a paradox. The more you try to fix it, either the worse it gets, or the more you feel dependent on the supplement, medication, gadget, ritual, or routine that seems to be temporarily helping in that moment. This insight - that the attempts to fix are often perpetuating the problem - was a big turning point in my healing process. The information was empowering: it was only in giving up control and accepting my reality as it was that I could regain my sleep back. Rather than react from a place of fear, I learned to address the fear layer by layer, until the worries about sleep no longer existed.

I have learned from my own experience and supporting others, that there are tangible steps one can take on the road to acceptance-based insomnia recovery. It often is not a dramatic, single moment of healing, but rather, involves shedding the layers of fear gradually.